


You Stole A Piece Of My Heart

by Wealthywetsunny



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, But there's gonna be a happy end, Devil Ending, F/M, Fix-it fic, I can't take anymore heartache, Major Spoilers, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking To Dead People, Unreliable Narrator, V's losing her mind basically, emotional truama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28703721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wealthywetsunny/pseuds/Wealthywetsunny
Summary: She isn’t sure when she snaps, when all the testing and lack of answers gets to her head, but it does eventually. The nameless woman in charge of her tests leaves her room, today’s set of results in tow, shutting V away again for another night.She can only imagine what Johnny would say, sometimes she catches herself talking aloud and expecting a response back. And other times, when she inevitably doesn’t get a response, she answers for him. Trying out a gruff, husky voice to mime Johnny’s.V wants to talk to him. One last time.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/Female V
Comments: 37
Kudos: 94





	1. Where Is My Mind?

**Author's Note:**

> **This follows the events from the ending where you side with Arasaka and upload to Mikoshi to get rid of the relic. I wanted a happy end though, so this is my writing of those events**

When she called her friends on the holo, desperate to hear someone’s voice other than the doctors who’ve been assigned to her case, she was left feeling...bereft, after it was all said and done. None of them seemed interested in her or where she’s been for so long, like why she hasn’t been on the streets doing what she did best. They were the people she fought with day in and day out when she didn’t even know if she’d make it to see the sun rise the next day. She gave them  _ everything _ . Asking only for the occasional eddie to keep her going. And now? When the biochip is finally out of her head, when she’s been so graciously granted communication rights, when there’s no longer a chance that this won’t end in her death; she reaches out to those she considers closest and--

They barely spare her a glance.

River offers to look for her, he shares her rising panic as she lashes out. Arasaka won’t tell her a damn thing, not even which station she’s on, so of course they won’t let her know if she’s going to be alright. It seems okay for just a second though because River says he’ll find her, but in the following weeks, soon turned months, she realizes what a fat pile of horse shit that had been. Kerry had been more preoccupied with the blaring television in front of him, asking a passing “is it a good thing or bad that the chip is gone?” Nodding along to her response without really hearing her and promising to call back later. Panam didn’t seem to notice how off V felt, because she knows for a fact that she isn’t hiding her emotions very well. But all her nomad friend had done was pass shitty advice that if she doesn’t like being up in space then she ought to try coming back home. Like that’s an option right now.

V thought Judy would be the kindest most down to earth person she’d talk to that day before falling asleep. She dialed her number and watched the holo ring. Already imagining the long, drawn out conversation they’d have. She could picture the way Judy’s brows would furrow and how her button nose would scrunch up when V told her that she was scared, that she felt more alone than she ever has before. Like a part of her had been stolen. She wanted to tell someone about her recurring nightmares, that in a way Johnny was still with her. Someone had to know that Johnny was right--Arasaka had cut out a part of her that she’d never get back.

It went straight to voicemail.

With a strangled sob she makes her way to bed. Folding up on the thin mattress, eyes rapidly flickering around the desolate room. 

“Of course they don’t want you,” she whispers to the empty room, “you sold out to the corps. To Arasaka! A traitorous bitch is what you are, there’s a reason they don’t sound upset. They’re glad that you’re gone.” Her fists curl into the blankets below her, balling it up and releasing it. She repeats the motion until her fingers start to cramp up. 

Tonight though, she can’t sleep. She’s afraid to, truth be told, she doesn’t want to hear Johnny’s voice again when she drifts off. It’ll make waking up all the more difficult when she comes to and reality hits her. Distantly, she thinks that this must be her own personal hell. As months roll by, taking a year of her life with it, she understands that this is her punishment for siding with the same monsters that killed Jackie. Eternal punishment for not trusting Johnny. For letting him be shredded and waving away his concern. 

She isn’t sure when she snaps, when all the testing and lack of answers gets to her head, but it does eventually. The nameless woman in charge of her tests leaves her room, today’s set of results in tow, shutting V away again for another night.

She’s lost a lot of weight. Muscle mass, too. She isn’t eating right, she hasn’t felt the need to train either. She can only imagine what Johnny would say, sometimes she catches herself talking aloud and expecting a response back. And other times, when she inevitably doesn’t get a response, she answers for him. Trying out a gruff, husky voice to mime Johnny’s.

V wants to talk to him. One last time. They should’ve given her that option before shredding his engram. 

Hindsight is 20/20 though, and she would’ve done so many things different. Maybe, if Johnny wouldn’t have had any qualms, she would’ve shot herself in the head on the roof above Vik’s office. The relic could only resurrect her so many times, and she’s sure that would’ve been the best way out. Maybe then her friends wouldn’t be so distant and casual when she’s losing her fucking mind.

She needs a doctor. Though with how far gone she is now, she’s not too sure any therapist would be prepared enough to help her deal with this grief. She’ll have to tackle it on her own. Which isn’t easy when a certain corpo rat comes waltzing in early one morning telling her she has six months to live.

Sign away her soul to never be seen again or go back to Earth and die alone, because she has a sneaking suspicion that her friends would all drift away the closer she came to the great unknown.

It’s a tough decision, one Hellman at least acknowledges. 

“Can I sleep on it?”

“Of course,” he takes the contract from her hands, sweeping his eyes over the room she had torn apart the night before in a fit of rage. Not like Araska cared. They wouldn’t give a damn if she broke literally everything in here, they’re the ones with all the power, and she's just a specimen. Apparently she’s making headlines. Not in the major articles of course, that title goes to Saburo Arasaka himself, risen back from the dead.

If she had the money and power she’d be able to secure herself a new body too. But for now she’s a different kind of legend. Arasaka is claiming her engram personality split a success. 

“I’ll come back tomorrow to hear what you’ve decided. But I wouldn’t take long, V, Hanako herself laid this offer down, and I’m not sure how much longer it’ll be there.”

She gives him a single fingered mock salute. “Noted.” She watches him step over her mess, lips puckered in annoyance as he goes, it’d be best to just let him leave quickly so she can sort through her thoughts on her own. But she’s crazy stubborn, a trait she’s sure she picked up from Johnny through osmosis or some shit. 

“Wait. Hellman.”

He turns halfway, eyebrows raised expectantly.

“Why do I feel...empty? Like my heart hurts, my soul hurts, it feels like I’m bein’ stretched apart and soon I won’t exist anymore. Like I’ll just turn into a bunch o’ code and…” V cuts herself off, painfully aware that she sounds like a lunatic. But Hellman doesn’t pass judgment, no quite the corpo dick she once turned her nose up at. Instead he sighs real heavy and dramatic like, quiet for a few moments as he searches for the right words.

“You know why, V.”

She swallows, voice thick with emotions when she speaks next. “Johnny.”

“Yes. You came real close to merging your psyche with his, and some of that damage is irreversible.”

“Like my memories. One of the docs said I might not get some of my memories back.”

He nods. “It goes deeper than that though.”

“Anyway to...fix it?”

“We’re trying. That’s why we’re offering you a position in our program. Maybe sometime in the future we’ll have a solution.” He blows out a breath through his nose, nostrils flaring. G’night, V. Feel free to call anyone if you decide you’re not going back to Earth.”

She rolls over and curls into a ball. Flinching when the lights shut off suddenly with a mechanical snap. It’s a nightly ritual she should be used to. But tonight is the night when she loses it. She’s tempted to use the word berserk to describe her current state, because when she rises from her bed in the dead of night she doesn’t feel like her actions are her own.

Though she doesn’t go on a murderous rampage, she’s too weak for that, her brain no longer functions at the level it once used to. Even if she went back home she wouldn’t be able to continue her day job. No more gigs, no more going around town trying to make a name for herself, she wouldn’t be a merc anymore. Any kind of rep she did have would go down the drain when everyone saw the kind of person she turned into.

Weak. Traitorous. A coward. A sellout. Each one worse than the last.

She has to do something about that. Make Johnny proud, even if he’s not here to see it. She’ll do right by him, despite leaving off on a bitter note. In fact, she still dreams about their last conversation. Him straddling a chair made entirely out of code while he looks down at her with scorn. Ridiculing her lack of loyalty. 

She had said her goodbyes; thanked him for being there for her, foolishly saying that she’ll see him around only because of her wishful thinking. And in response he had gotten up and turned away with a frown. Arms crossed over his chest in a closed off stance that let her know that they were done.

V wanted nothing more than to run to him, to cling to his broad frame and beg for him to say something. To at least tell her that he’s not mad at her, she wouldn’t be able to live with that. Knowing he spent his last moments hating her after all the moments they shared together.

She isn’t entirely sure what she’s doing, but she knows that the tools needed to delve back into Cyberspace are right here on this ship. For the time being she’s still a guest here, so long as she doesn’t give any push back on their tests like she just had--if she kept giving them data on the science of engram separation surgery, then she’ll be able to stay. Would that be wrong? Selling her body and mind to Arasaka?

It has to be worth it. To free those trapped in Mikoshi’s soul prison.

A foolish cover-up, really, deep down she knows the real reason why she’s taking this risk. And if Johnny were here he would no doubt call her out on it. She can hear him perfectly, muttering in her ear that “closure is just a concept of the human mind, that the last thing she needs to do is go on a suicide mission just to put her mind at ease. And what if it doesn’t work? What then, V? We keep on going until your time is up?”   


“If that’s what it takes.”

“Christ, a little late to change your mind. That’s what I wanted from the start. If you didn’t want me gone then you shouldn’t have had me shredded. It’s not like I’m complaining, it’s better than being trapped in Mikoshi for all eternity until they found some sort of use for me, but V, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself for this shitshow.”

“I know!” She spins on her heel, enraged and ready to face him, but she can’t see a foot in front of her face so she resigns herself to screaming into the darkness. “You don’t think I know that! It’s my fault Jackie, T-bug and Takamura are dead, it’s my fault that you’re gone and I’m about to be right there with you. It’s my fault that I feel so hollow inside and that I have to resort to screwing over Arasaka just to say goodbye to you when they’re the ones that got rid of you in the first place.” She laughs hysterically, taking steps backwards until she hits the walls and slides down to the floor. Hands tangled in her hair. “Even when I know it won’t really be you. All they probably got on file is enough to make a bunch of code look like you, maybe spew out some lines they heard you say before they put you on that fucking engram and fried your neurons. It won’t be you...but I’m startin’ to forget what you look like and that fucking terrifies me.”

V’s rocking back and forth now, knees drawn up to her chest and arms wrapped snugly around. She sweeps her gaze across her room, eyes attempting to adjust to the darkness. She blinks rapidly, setting free a flood of tears that spill down her cheeks and drip off her chin. She waits for Johnny to come glitching into view, crouched in front of her with a hand reaching out for some form of comfort.

It never comes.

He’s gone. 


	2. Slowing Losing It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I’ve only written an unreliable narrator once before so...I just hope this chapter isn’t too confusing

The ship doesn’t go completely dark at night, not the hallways at least. Whoever designed the station had the foresight to put up hazard lights. They’re spaced evenly apart, allowing for her to make her way through the long corridors without too much difficulty. 

It’s quiet. Makes her feel like she’s the only person on the station. In the whole wide world. Purgatory—she’s convinced that’s what this really must be. 

It’s further along, coming up towards an intersection, when she finally hears voices. They’re not talking in hushed whispers like she’d expect, though why she assumed such a thing she’s not sure. Probably because in some part of her mind Arasaka is still the enemy. 

She feels a pang of unrestrained hatred for the doctors she passes by unnoticed. Dressed in their lab coats and using their fancy tech in an operation room she only gets a glance at. If V had a death wish she just might pop in to ask them if they know anything about her condition, if they’ve heard about the engram that was ripped from her head. The same one that had the code for the terrorist who used to make all of Arasaka tremble. 

She keeps on walking. Taking long strides as if she belongs here, roaming through the halls unsupervised. No one ever told her she couldn’t...she’ll claim ignorance if she gets caught. A healthy mix of that and boredom. Or she could chalk it up to stupidity, the way her mental health is on the decline, she has a feeling they’d believe her and isn’t that sad?

It gets progressively harder to keep herself upright the longer she walks. She isn’t used to moving so much, not anymore, and she feels her limbs grow weary long before she finds anything useful. She peers into a handful of rooms, sliding their glassy cell doors aside and finding nothing too interesting. Lab equipment she doesn’t have half the brain to use and numbers on spreadsheets that don’t make as much sense as she wants them to. There’s nothing about the Net or cyberspace. Nothing about Johnny and her. 

“What the fuck are you doing, V?” She slumps against the nearest wall, her words echoing. She knocks her head back into its hard metal surface. “You’ve really lost it. Don’t even remember what I’m doing…”

She casts her eyes around, not bothering to turn her head, too tired for that, but if she did she’d be able to look outside through the large windows scattered about. She could get a close look into space and the vast unknown. She’d be able to see Earth from high up and ponder her own insignificance being so tiny compared to such a large planet. 

Not the best time for an internal crisis like this. But that’s how the staff finds her when morning comes. She hadn’t realized how much time had passed, that she was still in the hallway at all, actually, still leaning against the wall with tears making tracks down her face. 

That’s not good, right? Losing track of time and spacing out until there are large holes where new memories should be.

A doctor she’s never seen before helps her back to her room. Holding the brunt of her weight, murmuring soothing words that seem so out of place in an Arasaka base. She accepts it all the same—betrayal be damned, her friends surely aren’t here for her, so for now she’ll take this doctor’s words, spoken as soft as hymns. 

“No tests for today, hm?” She helps V into bed, though how they got back to her room so quickly she isn’t sure. The doctor tucks a blanket over her body and pets her hair away from her sweaty face. 

“Who let you make that call?”

V tries to crane her neck up to see who spoke, but the doctor pushes her back down. 

“I don’t see the point. She’s practically comatose. She wouldn’t perform well anyhow.”

Someone snorts. V closes her eyes and pushes her fingers against her temples. Why had she been wandering the halls in the first place? 

“The point is we have a job. This is data we’re collecting.”

“You say that as if something like this will happen again in the future. Like we’ll need this data.”

V draws her knees up to her chest. Her head is pounding, every word spoken is starting to sound muffled. And worryingly enough, she can’t feel her toes. 

“It may, Anya, don’t be so naive.” There’s a long stretch of silence that soon follows, but V doesn’t bother sitting up or even looking around. “Let’s not speak about this here, hm? 

V isn’t sure just how long she’s left alone, but it feels as soon as her eyes close that she’s being shaken awake. 

“Good morning. I heard you went on an adventure last night.” 

“Hellman,” she mumbles, wiping at the side of her mouth where there’s a thin line of drool. She props herself up on her elbows, watching him with half lidded eyes. “I felt a little stir crazy is all. Had to get out of this room.”

He cracks a smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes, even in her sorry state V can see that. 

“Guessin’ you’re here for my decision?” 

“I am. Have you determined what you’re going to do.” 

_ No. Not really. _ She thinks but doesn’t say.  _ I had a lot of things on my mind about getting what I want that I hadn’t even considered— _

“V.”

She raises her head weakly, frowning at the concern she finds on his face. 

“I’m really that bad, huh, Hellman?”

“Yes. You are. Which is why I’m trying to act fast, for your sake.” 

She sits up and takes the contract from his hands. Glancing over it, but the words swim and jumble together. She has to blink a few times just read a few lines. Her rights will be null and void once she signs the papers, he explains, watching her brow furrow the further along she gets. A conscious isn’t a living being per se, and thus can’t be given the same rights as you and me, yadda yadda--she stops listening to him halfway through. 

“No. I won’t do it.”

He sighs. Takes the contract back and nods. “May I ask why?”

“Johnny wouldn’t want me to.” It’s the first thing that comes to mind. She’s scared that it may be true.

Hellman laughs, a cruel noise that makes her flinch from the sudden loudness of it. “Johnny wouldn’t have wanted you to side with Arasaka at all, but we helped you, we’re helping you now. Besides, I don’t really think he has the capacity to care anymore.”

“You’re not changin’ my mind.”

“I’m not trying to.” He shifts uncomfortably on his heels, glancing around with a twisted expression. “The choice is yours to make.”   
  
“But you think,” she pauses to suck in a deep breath, her lungs rattle with the effort, “that I’m making the wrong one.”

“Yes, but who am I to judge?”

That makes V laugh. She doubles over in her half seated position and lets loose a burst of laughter that causes Hellman to jump. How is it that he, of all people, realizes what she had been through? Better than any of her so called friends who couldn’t help but pass their advice onto her with judgment coating their voices. 

When she quiets down, tears pricking the corners of her eyes, she manages to ask “when do I go home?”

“I don’t know. I’ll talk to Hanako, let her know what you’ve decided.” He turns to leave but pauses at the doorway, glancing over his shoulder to take one last look at her. “I’d say pack your things but...well, perhaps you’ll gain some sense and realize you have to make decisions for yourself, not Silverhand.” He gives her a lopsided grin and she chuckles, flopping back into bed, holding up her middle finger as he goes.

Then she’s alone once more with nothing but her thoughts for company. She should get some sleep, her bones ache and her skull is pounding, but she knows that any amount of rest won’t help, not really.

She rolls over, letting her lower half fall off the bed recklessly. Her bare feet hit the tile with a dull slap, her knees coming next. She barely registers the pain, she can’t feel much of anything anymore. Her senses are becoming dull with each day that passes. She manages to crawl halfway across the room before her arms give out and she falls flat on her face.

V isn’t sure how long she lays there with her cheek pushed against the floor, watching people pass by her translucent door and barely spare her a glance. Her toes go numb, pins and needles prickling them, and she tries moving once more. Squirming the rest of the way to the bathroom on her stomach.

It’s a struggle to turn on the shower, to take off her clothes and lay under the warm spray. She certainly doesn’t have the strength to wash herself properly. So she resigns herself to just closing her eyes and enjoying the water splashing on her skin. She counts the seconds, losing track once or twice, which leaves her feeling more than bereft that she can’t make it past 120.

She rolls over on her side, curling up into the fetal position. Lots of people don’t like admitting when they’ve done wrong, she shouldn’t feel so shitty that her own admission leaves a sour taste in her mouth. But she can’t speak it aloud, that trusting Arasaka was a mistake that cost her everything. Maybe if she can go home and talk to Rogue...convince her to break into Mikoshi one more time and get her hooked up to the net...But V isn’t Johnny, she’s not best buds with the queen of the Afterlife. Not enough for the woman to owe her any favors.

But in the end it was always ever her or him. She said she’d die for him, but when the time came to get her life back she realized that was a bunch of bullshit. As mad as Johnny was, he didn’t try and steal her life. He let her go knowing full well that she wouldn’t be able to cope without him.

It’s a blessing he’s dead, so he doesn’t have to suffer like her.

V stands up on shaky legs, breathing in deeply through her nose to steady herself. She scoops up the clothes they’d given her when she arrived, some papery cloth material that makes her skin itch. The room is spinning before her eyes, fading in and out of darkness even though she’s not moving. It takes every last ounce of effort to dress herself. 

The bed looks mighty tempting, and for once, comfortable. It’d be easy to curl up on the mattress and sleep away the rest of her days until she gets sent down to Earth. Almost too easy, and lord knows she’s fucked over enough people to earn her a spot in hell. V doesn’t deserve  _ easy _ .

“Goddamn bleeding heart, is that it? Having regrets? Starting to finally see Arasaka for who they really are, about time. Gotta get out of here.”

She turns in a slow circle, frowning and rubbing at her eyes. She uses the last reserves of her energy to walk out into the hallway. It’s no longer nighttime, and the station is bustling with movement this time around.

She gets only a few passing glances but no one asks her what she’s doing as she limps down the hall. Holding onto the wall for support she eventually finds what she’s looking for, a locker room of sorts. Clothes strewn about at random--actual clothes, not the stuff she’s wearing.

V rushes inside, tripping over her feet in her haste. She skins her knees and stubs her toe, but her hands still scramble to find anything to wear. 

“What am I doing?” She mutters to herself under her breath, undressing as quick as she can as she ducks behind a hanging sheet meant for such a thing. “What the fuck is my plan? I don’t have many options. Sign my soul over to Arasaka or go back home and die.” She pulls a loose, white t-shirt over her head, throwing a lab coat over it. White slacks come next, a little loose around her waist.

“Johnny would be pissed I even got myself in this situation. He would tell me that our chances are shit, that I can’t trust them. _ I can’t _ . They’re Arasaka, for fuck’s sake, they’ll kill me before they send me home. I know too much, they’ll toss me into cyberspace and never bring me back.”

She’s breathing heavy now, nearing something very close to actual, literal panic. She’s trembling when she steps out into the locker room, snagging a pair of socks that feel wonderful on her usually bare feet. 

“Now what, hotshot? Where are we going?” V slips out the locker room and walks in the opposite direction of her room. Wringing her hands and mumbling to herself. “Are we really risking our lives for a chance to say sorry? When’d you become such a sap, where is the old V?”

V almost collides with someone, she side steps them just in time and slams against the wall. It steals the air from her lungs for a few precious seconds before she rights herself and keeps walking.

“I’m gonna jack myself into the net and find you, simple as that.”

“Mhm. And let's say they don’t have a port to jack into? This is a gonk’s plan. You know that, so you must be really desperate.”

She laughs, sliding open a door that leads to a,thankfully, empty lab. “Yeah, you could say that. But y’know, with me dyin’ and all, I just want to settle my scores. Say goodbye.” Her voice catches on the last word and she stops in the center of the room. Wrapping her arms around her torso, rocking back on her heels.

She doesn’t recognize most of the equipment that surrounds her, but she does spot a computer, all lit up and already logged in. She darts forward and falls down in the plush chair, fingers sliding against the screen.

**_Kenji-15_ **

At the top left hand corner on the computer screen, in bright, blocky letters. 

The name of the station, she realizes. She lets out a watery laugh out of relief, slumping in her seat. She’ll call River, Panam, Judy, fucking everyone. Let them know where she is.

“I’m not so useless, after all. I fuckin’ did it. I’m gonna be fine, see, Johnny? Except I was--

“--never in any danger.”

V stands up so fast she knocks the chair over. She brings up a hand to push against her temple, putting pressure there because she swore for a second she heard Johnny’s voice echoing her own. She holds her hands out in front of her, turning them around slowly, glancing over the backs of her knuckles and the lines that cross over her palms. She reaches up to tug at her hair, knotted and tangled because she didn’t bother taking a brush to it when she stepped out of the shower.

Her mind is a scrambled mess. Creating paranoid scenarios where there aren’t any. It’s Johnny, she knows this to be true without anyone telling her so. She must’ve inherited that part of him. The cynical, scheming part that drove all his friends wild.

She pushes the glass door open, stumbling out and slamming right into a solid mass of warmth. Arms wrap around her and someone lets out a grunt at the force she slammed into them.

“V--”

She doesn’t recognize this new doctor. He’s got a strong jawline covered up by freshly trimmed facial hair and eyes that have some sort of scanning implant. He gives her a once over and clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Seeing something that makes him oh so cautious when he speaks next. 

“Let’s get you back to your room. You’re not thinking straight, V.”

She doesn’t fight him as he guides her back and puts her to bed, securing her to the mattress with leather straps. For her own safety, he assures her, because as of now Arasaka is liable for whatever happens to her.

V tells him, in a watery, tiny, childlike voice, that she’s losing her mind. 

“Personality disorders are very common after an engram removal. But you must try and understand right now that you’re not a prisoner here, there was no reason to go snooping around like you’re about to make some great escape.”

“Bunch of liars, they are.”

“I--what? You’re talking out loud, talking like your speaking for someone else. How long has that been going on?”

V blinks up at the doctor. Lips set in a grim line to show her displeasure. If she had use of her limbs she’d kick out at him to knock him to the ground. She feels her mind slipping again, being torn away from her consciousness.

“I’m fine. I just want to go home.” That sentiment is at least her own. Or she thinks so, it’s getting increasingly difficult to tell what’s real anymore. She slumps back against the pillow, tears making their way down the sides of her face. “I want to apologize to Johnny,” she looks up at the doctor, “can you do that for me? Could you make that possible?”

The doctor sighs and hazards stepping closer. Crouching down beside the bed, only a few inches between them. There’s a horrible pitous look on his face that she can’t stand. “We’re sending you home tonight, on the first shuttle we’ve got available. Then, if you’d like, we can allow you to stay at Arasaka’s mental institution. It’ll make your last few months very cozy.”

She closes her eyes, fists curling at her sides. “I need to think about it.”

“What if you’re not lucid in a few hours? Are you willing to let Arasaka corps decide what should be done?”

_ If she’s not lucid _ , a sugarcoating of what’s really going on. A soft way to say if she starts talking to herself again, speaking like Johnny and trying to run from a nonexistent enemy then what should be done?

“Can I talk to Hanako?”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible, she’s dealing with a major feud down below. It’s taking up a majority of her attention. She handed you over to us.”

V sinks her teeth into her bottom lip, drawing blood. The doctor tsks and gets up, moving around in her room. She hears running water and when he comes back he’s dabbing away the blood with a wet towel.

“Our facilities will keep you safe. They’re top of the line, reserved for the very best. Hanako spared no expense with you. She’s very grateful for your assistance.”   
  
She snorts, tossing her head to the side. Away from the too kind doctor. She’s got a hold of her mind right now, she understands to some extent what’s going on and what her options are. As much as she hates it, he’s right, she needs to choose now.

“Sure. Yeah, whatever, put me in your damn mental institute.”

The doctor lets out a sigh of relief, visibly pleased. “Wonderful. I’ll get the paperwork in order.”


	3. Decisions To Make

Mama Wells is the first to call V. A surprise considering the sheer amount of friends she’s made along the way that have yet to reach out. It hurts to think about, but she doesn’t have time to get angry, this is Jackie’s  _ mom _ . In a way she’s a part of V’s own family. 

It’s obvious she’s been crying, smears of red pigment are scattered across her wrinkled cheeks and rims her eyes. Somehow, even after all this time, Mama Wells still knows just what to say. Her voice is caring just as V remembers it to be, and her words reflect that. She lets V know that her door is always open, that she doesn’t have to be locked away like some cyberpsycho. 

“It’s for my own safety, Mrs. Wells, really, no need to worry about me.”   
  
She puts on her best smile, but she feels it shake slightly at the corners when Jackie’s mom—sounding and looking like an echo of her son—whispers in a voice so very broken, “I don’t blame you, V, for my boy’s death.”

“I—“

“I just thought I should say that. I never told you outright and I...I thought it would help.”

V rocks forward, hand shooting out to brace herself on the back of the passenger seat as the car rolls to a stop. She glances out the window and blanches, fear making her stomach drop at the sight of Arasaka’s mental institute. “It does help, really. T-thank you.” She swallows past the frog in her throat. “I gotta go, Mrs. Wells. Talk to ya soon, promise.”

She’s running on fumes as it is, and that conversation sapped out the last of her energy. She trembles as she steps out of the van, hands plucking at loose threads on her jeans—a pair of clothes that aren’t her own but has been provided to her by Arasaka all the same.

She gives a sideways glance to the man who drove her, he’s wearing your normal corpo attire, and that makes her shiver. This goes against all of her morals, she’s still wrestling with that, but as of now, she’s dead tired from traveling so many miles through space and across Night City.

“Follow me, Miss, I’ll get you signed in.”

“Mhm.” V circles around to the trunk and pops it open, grabbing the large suitcase she was given a few hours ago. The corpo was thoughtful enough to stop by her apartment, something that hadn’t crossed her mind. It was rough being back there, suffocating inside those walls. And she almost wished that when she forgot which floor she was on she had left it at that and turned around. Cut her loses and called it a day. But apparently Arasaka’s chauffeur had his orders and went to the trouble of digging through the building’s history report just to figure out where her apartment was. 

She packed only the essentials. Clothes and toiletries, a gift Jackie had given her last Christmas, other mementos that carried memories she would be remiss to forget. It almost felt like she was going on vacation and not leaving permanently. Though she was more than aware that whispers were already spreading throughout the building. The ruthless merc who used to come home at all hours of the night covered in bruises and asking to bum a cig from whoever was closest is now sidling up with corpos. 

It felt wrong to strip her apartment bare and leave with the heavy trunk banging against her knees from how she held it up in front of her with both hands, like a young child. The fact of the matter is that she’s too weak to hold it up with one hand, so she waddles across the tarmac towards the large building, huffing and puffing. 

The corpo grabs it from her when she just about trips over her own feet. Hefting it up with ease.

She trails along behind him, tears of frustration threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. She presses her tongue to the roof of her mouth, trying to push them back.

The inside of the building smells of sandalwood and vanilla, so intensely different from the squalor most of Night City is bathed in that she has to stop walking just to take it all in. The linoleum squeaks beneath her shoes when she shifts her weight, so shiny and clean that when she looks down she sees her reflection.

This place isn’t meant for people like her. She just doesn’t fit here, she already feels out of place and they’ve only just walked inside. 

“I’m signing in Valerie Graham, we called ahead from the Kenji-15.”

Her translator implant is a year old, a 2076 model, cost her a truckload of eddies, but it’s failing her now. Another sign of her declining health. It glitches in and out as they talk their native tongue, and eventually V finds the nearest chair and falls down in it. It’s plush and she sinks right into it, so soft that she could fall asleep if she’s not careful.

She tips her head back, skin stretched taut over her throat. The whole world is upside down from this angle, the corpo agent and secretary too. She catches bits and pieces of what they’re saying, mostly business, and eventually the corpo turns to wave her over.

He wordlessly puts her trunk by her feet, gives a respectful nod and bow then goes to leave. She watches him walk away just to get one last look at the outside world when the door slides open to let him out.

“You’re on the first floor, at the very end of the hall in our Silver wing.”

_ Silver _ . V doesn’t know the caste system here, but that sounds fancy enough. Not like she has any right to be picky, so she just nods and grabs her trunk, following obediently down a series of halls. The old V, the one who thought Dexter DeShawn was her meal ticket into the big leagues, would be mapping out the interior as she goes. Looking for escape routes and what could be used as weapons if it came down to that.

This new V knows there’s no need. This place is a goddamn fortress all because it belongs to Arasaka. Besides, no ones coming after her anyway, she’s no longer important enough to have a target on her back. 

V’s cell (room?) is about as big as her apartment back home. With a twin sized bed in the corner, a kitchenette and a door that’s been left ajar, showing off a toilet and claw foot bathtub. There’s a TV hanging on the wall, across from the bed, bigger than it has any right to be. But then again, what else is there to do here except waste away the days watching a screen?

She tries her best to listen to what the secretary says to her before leaving, something about the schedule they follow to keep this place running nicely. She goes over the process V will have to go through if she wants to leave, but she sort of tunes that out. V isn’t going anywhere any time soon. She’s here to die.

“You haven’t been prescribed any medication, not yet...Hellman himself gave me your case, you know. He didn’t tell me much, but if we see the need to make things easier for you then we’ll give you something to dull the pain.”   


So she _ does _ know why V’s here.

“You know I’m dyin’.”

“I do. The whole staff does, we’re meant to know almost everything about our patients. It’s our job.”

She nods, rocking on her heels. So fucking tired.

“Then why even tell me how I can check myself out, sorta defeats the purpose, right?”

The woman’s lips twist into a half smile, half frown. “Just letting you know all your options, like I do with everyone.”

V would really rather not have any control at all. That’s what’s best right now, because almost all of her choices in the past have fucked her over at some point. When she’s alone, at last, she flops down on the bed provided, face first, and she finally lets a few tears slip loose. 

It’s a silent kind of heart wrenching cry, she hardly makes a peep. 

Morning comes, and with it brings breakfast. Her appetite isn’t quite what it used to be, she isn’t even sure when the last time she ate was. When she does try to eat she can hardly raise the food to her lips. Her hand shakes too much, the muscles in her fingers go slack and she drops whatever she had been holding. 

It’s a sad fucking sight to see. And so she tries to convince herself that she really doesn’t mind that no one comes to visit her in the following week. She was a good fucking merc, one of the best in Night City, she’s got no doubt that her arrival caused some sort of ripple to flow through the community.

Her friends have to know. They must. She gets sporadic phone calls, a postcard from Judy, but she’s aching to see her old pals. To touch them, to remind herself that those moments they had together was real and not some horrible nightmare she’s about to wake up from.

Her memories are going and she needs to talk to someone.

River calls her fresh out of the shower, her hair’s wrapped up in a towel to dry and she’s buried under a mountain of blankets, getting her sheets wet. The TV is going and she rushes to turn it down. Watching the brightly colored ad run for a few more seconds as it promotes the tour of some new pop band she’s never heard of. It’s embarrassing how quickly she accepts the call, but River doesn’t comment on it. He flashes her a smile, the same one she remembers from when she saw him face to face last, and her heart melts at the sight. 

“Hey. V.”

“River.” Her voice is rough from misuse, she clears it and ends up sending herself into a coughing fit. “Hi.” She keeps her tone light, as if she didn’t almost hack up a lung. “Long time no see.”

His smile has waned, but he doesn’t skip a beat. He’s good like that. “Yeah. Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry about that, really. We could--dinner, maybe? Tonight. Can I take you out?”

She wrinkles up her nose in thought, falling into their routine so seamlessly, like second nature. Seeing him, anyone really, is what she had wanted, but she remembers the doctors’ warning before they sent her back to Earth. Her mind is slipping away from her, she’s got a sliver of clarity now but it could be gone at any moment. If she’s outside this institute and she loses it...It’s a dangerous gamble. 

V tosses her head back, thinking hard, and River lets her. He’s driving, she realizes from the soft purr of an engine in the background, and he’s focused on the road. Giving her time to collect her thoughts. 

Johnny’s gone, but he’s left his mark on her, and she feels that now. When she tries to think and some nonsensical internal conflict wars inside her. Like she’s got two people fighting in her brain. Just like Johnny was still beside her, butting his head with hers because their world views never really aligned. She knows deep down that she’d be better off staying here wasting away until her time is up, but settling her scores is also very fucking appealing. And since she’s going to die anyway, what exactly does she have to lose?

She rubs at her brows, lips pursed, “I dunno, River. Where are we gonna go?”

“I want to apologize, okay? You don’t need to worry, we’ll just have dinner. Someplace discrete, if that’s what you need, just me and you.”

V huffs a laugh, sitting up and clutching the blankets to her chest. She really likes the sound of that. “Okay. Yeah.”

“Great. I’ll swing by at 5.”

She isn’t exactly a prisoner here, but going and coming as she pleases takes a helluva lot of paperwork. Some of the staff scowl at her, muttering that if anything happens to her or someone else then they’ll be fucked. Bad publicity for Arasaka and all that. She doesn’t care, nothing can ruin her good mood today, she’s going to see River.

He looks great when he pulls up in his van, leaning out of the window with a loose smile on his lips. He keeps his demeanor calm when she stumbles getting in, almost falling back onto the tarmac as her legs shake, struggling to hold up her weight.

“How’ve you been, V?”

She laughs humorously, “had better days. What with the whole dyin’ thing.”

He falls silent after that, giving a slight jerky nod of his head. Avoiding the elephant in the room, just ignoring all she’s been through and their doomed future, that’d be a mistake. They need to be realistic about this before his heart breaks.

“It’s been preem,” she reaches out and lays her hand on his forearm, gently squeezing. The muscles under her fingers go taut. “Couldn’t ‘ave asked for a better partner.”

“Fuck.” He dips his head slightly, lips twisting into a painful grimace. He’s not a crier though, and so she’s not surprised when he simply clears his throat and regains his composure. “I’m gonna try to give you a real good send off, V, I mean it, I’ll make your last months worth it. However long that may be.”

He ends up taking them to the very edge of JigJig street, sitting on the roof of some Ma and Pa diner that creates a beautiful kind of white noise in the background. The perfect ambiance considering neither of them are talking much. There’s somehow both too much and not enough to say. Better to busy themselves eating lukewarm pizza and sipping on cans of coke. 

It’s strange being back, watching the world pass by and knowing that come tomorrow and the weeks that follow she won’t have a say in what happens. She used to be able to change things. Her holo wouldn’t ever stop ringing, funny to think there used to be a time when she longed for just a moment of peace. Now she wants nothing more than a little excitement.

Except it’s not only that. It goes deeper than that, she wants to _ be someone _ before the City swallows her whole. Johnny told her once, with unshakable confidence, that such a thing wouldn’t happen, that she’s braver and stronger than anyone he ever knew. Next to Rogue, of course. The best of the best, that’s what you are V, don’t change, okay?

She had though, in the end. She’s a damn disappointment.

“V?”

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t mind me saying, you seem good.”

She glances over at him, raising her eyebrows wearily. “What do you mean by that?”

He wipes his greasy fingers on his jeans, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his thighs. Legs swinging idly back and forth off the side of the building. It takes another second for him to answer. “You look healthy. Just like I remember. I can almost convince myself that nothing is wrong with you at all. That you’re not--” he cuts himself off, shaking his head like he can etch-a-sketch the thoughts away.

“Dying,” she finishes for him bluntly.

“Yeah…”

She elbows him in the ribs, not like it has much effect, he’s built like a goddamn brick house. There was a reason he’d been a cop. “You shoulda seen me on that space station. Not one of my proudest moments.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, fingers trembling minutely. Getting harder to control and hide. River doesn’t notice because he doesn’t want to, he’ll probably be in denial all the way up to the end. “I’m okay now, but the doctors said it’d get worse. Eventually you won’t even recognize me.”

That ruins whatever moment they had been having. He gathers up their trash and polishes off the rest of his soda. Smacking his lips obnoxiously from the harsh fizz. She watches him move sporadically around, his movements jerky and upset. Usually he’s good at hiding his emotions, but today it’s like he can’t be bothered.

She stands slowly, taking her time lest she trips and plummets off the building. The fall wouldn’t kill her, but it’d be a bitch to explain back at Arasaka’s clinic.

“I can drive you back, if you need.”

V stares at him, mind spinning and twisting until she manages to shake her head.  _ No.  _

“You got a ride?”

“I can call Arasaka. They’ll send someone.” Her lie is flawless and smooth. She’s proud of herself for sounding as calm as she does. “I’ll give ya a call later, k?”

He hums low in his throat, but she can tell that this is goodbye. They both know watching her deteriorate won’t be easy with their messy emotions attached. It’s better this way, she has to convince herself of that. But maybe that’d be easier if she weren’t sneaking around, going behind his back on some stupid suidice mission.

Johnny would have her head for this. Call her all sorts of names until she turned on him with childish rebuttals of her own. She misses his bickering, probably as much as his old friends do. Rogue seems no less affected, she isn’t sitting in her normal spot inside the Afterlife when V eventually arrives. Her booth is devoid of any life at all, and that leaves V to wander the familiar scene in search of her.

Claire says hello rather enthusiastically, a bright smile splitting her face so wide that her joy is infectious. V can’t help but take a seat. She drums her fingers against the wood of the bar, foot nervously bouncing where it’s resting on the metal ring of the stool. 

“You had me worried, you know that?” Claire is polishing glasses, her motions fluid in a way that shows she’s been doing the mundane task for years. “You wouldn’t believe the fucking rumors the gonks in this city bother spreading. You up and disappeared and--” she lets out an agitated breath, eyes so full of concern. “Doesn’t matter, I’m not angry, or well, I was, but seeing you safe...” She puts the shot glass down, lined up among other shiny glasses just like it. She reaches under to grab a bottle of vodka, unscrewing the cap and jerking it in her direction.

V nods, alcohol sounds heavenly. 

“I’m just happy you’re back.”

The vodka burns her throat and makes her face feel warm. A welcome feeling she embraces. “Rumors, huh? Anything interesting? I love a good story.”

Claire laughs, starts putting cups back where they’re meant to go as she talks. “I bet you do, the merc that you are, the quiet life just isn’t your style.” She leans her forearms on the bar, tipping her head to the side. “Jus’ the usual shit. You up and left after fucking over a fixer, you OD’d on a concoction of synthcoke and black lace. Or my personal favorite, that you got zeroed by Arasaka after learning too much.”

Claire gives her a wry look, “which I’m beginning to think may not be that far off.”

“I--what?”

“Did you think people wouldn’t notice when you came back from space transported by corpos? You’re among the top mercs in the city, V, the rumor mill is fucking churning right about now.”

V snorts, rubbing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. She’s getting a fucking headache just thinking about how her name’s going to go to shit. She literally sold her soul for a chance to make it to the big leagues and now it means nothing. 

Why didn’t River say anything? Or hell, any of her friends? She could’ve at least tried to save some scrap of her rep before it was too late.

“Hey, cool it, I’m sure you’ll show all those gonks that you’re back in action and you’re not to be fucked with.”

“Yeah. If I’m going out it’s gonna be in a blaze of fuckin’ glory. I want people to remember me for doing something amazing, Claire. Not ODing or just packing up and running away.” V stands up, anger sparking in her eyes at the mere idea of her name being smeared. It’s suddenly so very clear that she’s not going back to Arasaka’s clinic, she’ll check herself out. She has to, even with the risks. 

People will figure out soon enough that’s where she’s staying. And when she eventually dies locked up behind those walls...all the respect and admiration she worked so fucking hard to earn will be gone, poof, just like that. Going back into cyberspace is a deathwish, but it’ll keep her name sparkling clean. A little like Johnny’s. The fucker even has a drink named after him. He’s got people tagging the city with paranoid scribblings in his honor. She wants that.

“Have you seen Rogue, by the way, came here to talk to her.”

“Ah, dunno, she hasn’t been down here for a couple days. Not for long anyway,” Claire amends hastily, catching the panicked look on V’s face, “she passes through to go out to someplace or another. Sometimes she grabs a drink and deltas to the basement.” She sniffs and nods her head towards the stairway, “should be up there though, in her office. Suppose you wanna get going, see ya around, V, it was nice catching up.”

V mutters some half hearted goodbye, tucking her hands into the pockets of her hoodie. One of her favorites actually, an old ratty thing that Johnny had teased her on. He’d been leaning against the opposite wall of the bathroom, watching her primp in front of the mirror before she went out. 

“Really, V? You’re wearing  _ that, _ of all things?” And when she didn’t reply except for a slight quirk of her lips he sighed heavily. “Jesus, kids these days, don’t have any style.”

“Next you're gonna be saying ‘back in my day…’”

“Oh I will, don’t test me, this is serious shit. How’d I end up in some unfashionable gonk’s head? We gotta go shopping.”

He had strode closer, glitching in blue streaks as he glared at her. His arms were crossed over his chest when she didn’t immediately move. 

“What,  _ now?  _ Johnny we’ve got shit to do.”

“Mhm. Fucking-A we do. Like getting you some fresh digs.”

It’s one of her happiest moments they shared together. Though, truth be told, even the rest of their time is in fragments, passing through her head in hazy chunks. Maybe she should invest in a journal, an actual, physical journal. Not any sort of shit she could type out on her computer or on her phone, or some over the top expensive cybernetic upgrade that’d overlay her vision and type out her thoughts. That seems too risky, if someone were to find it through a simple hack job they’d think her crazy. A fair assumption, but she’d still be offended. 

Besides, back in 2020 people like Johnny were using paper and pencils still, so she likes to think he’d approve of her going the old school route. Even if she’s sure her hands would cramp up ten minutes in, so very unused to holding a pencil just like the rest of Night City.

It’s a scary thought, to have to track the memories she still has a grip on. But if it’s got to be done...she’ll sleep on it.

The walk to Rogue’s office leaves her breathless. Just a five minute excursion and she’s got a stitch in her side. She doesn’t bother knocking, simply pushes on the sliding glass and stumbles inside. Rogue is slumped over in a curved booth, synth-cigarette held between her fingertips, she perks up when V enters, surprise coloring her face before she lets out a huffed laugh.

“V,” she raises the toke in greeting. “Look who survived, saw the news, Hanako talking to the committee, revealing some heavy shit, and now her father practically rising up from the dead...sorta figured you played a part in that. Am I right?”

She nods stiffly. Scared suddenly, Rogue seems to have put all the pieces together, which means someone else could’ve done the same thing. Should she care if people know what she did to save her life? 

“Hm. Thought so, though I doubt Johnny was happy with that decision.” She sighs wearily. “Sit, kid, relax with me.” 

V takes the offer, collapsing down beside her unceremoniously. Her head is pounding but she manages a half smile. 

“So, speaking of him, is Johnny…?”

“Gone.” V swallows. It hurts to say aloud. Maybe the first time she did? She’s not sure. “For good. Not in the Net or in Mikoshi.”

“Good. That's good.” Rogue takes a drag, turning her head away to blow out smoke. “He doesn’t have to suffer anymore, finally at rest, thank fuck for that, poor bastard.” She’s smiling, but there’s a painful glare in her eyes. Like she’s mad at the world, which is impressive that she can still find it in her to harbor such emotion. Makes V feel like she isn’t the only one dealing with that.

But Rogue still reaches out to comfort her, handing over her synth-cig and giving her arm a squeeze. More kind than V has ever seen her.

“It’s okay to grieve y’know, to be sad that he’s gone.”

“Yeah...I guess.”

“Him and you were close. Saw you wearing his dog tags awhile back. Where’d they go?”

V winces, fingers reaching up to where it would be. It’s a nervous habit, always going to fiddle with it. To stroke the cool metal and feel it’s bumps and engravings.    
  
“Still got it, back...home.” She glances at Rogue but can’t hold her gaze for long. “Thinkin’ about packing up and moving somewhere else though. Still in Night City, but maybe go back to my roots and go nomad again. If I get lucky a clan’ll take me in for a couple weeks.” If she wasn’t so hellbent on the plan she’s got swimming through her head she might actually consider that. It’s a sweet way to go, to end her life in a similar position to how it started. And nomad funerals are always a big ritual, the best kind of celebration of one’s life.

“Uh-huh. Didja come to say ‘goodbye?’ Or are you gonna ask for a favor?”

V laughs, all high pitched and nervous, so unlike her. “What gave me away?”

“Eh, I’ve done this for too long. I can read people better than most.”

V scoots closer, tilting her head. “The best fixer in this city,” she murmurs, quoting Johnny.

Rogue’s face falls, real pity showing through. She stubs out the cigarette on a nearby ashtray, snarling a curse that makes V raise her eyebrows. 

“What’s the matter? Really, no bullshitting.”

V...tells her everything. From the very beginning of taking the elevator up to Embers until this moment right now sitting with her. It’s a long story, V has to stop occasionally to wipe away tears and control her voice, but Rogue is a damn good listener. A good friend too, though V doesn’t have to tell her that, she’s sure Johnny got that out of the way during the time they spent together. They mended some bridges after their 50 years apart, if the fond look in Rogue’s eye is real.

“Still haven't explained why you need help.”

“Gettin’ to it.” V stands up, groaning with the effort. She stretches her legs by pacing, bones clicking once or twice. She wiggles her fingers and her toes shoved in her boots, keeping her eyes off Rogue as she speaks. 

This may not work, there’s no reason for Rogue to help, but she’ll never forgive herself if she doesn’t at least ask. That won’t stop her from trying to get into the Net, but the extra support would be nice.

She wrings her hands out, biting her lower lip raw. “I wanna go an’ find Johnny. We didn’t end on a good note and...and it’s killin’ me. I fucking miss him, Rogue. I feel so empty and lost. Christ, I can’t sleep at night, I’m having nightmares. I--” a sob drags its way out of her throat and she slumps against the wall, glancing up at Rogue through her lashes. “Ya don’t gotta help--”

“I will.”

“R-really? Just like that?”

“Just like that.” 

Rogue stands up and starts heading out, motioning for V to follow. 

“Care to tell me why? Didn’t expect it to be that easy, at least not without a few questions.”

“I don’t need to understand your reasons, doesn’t matter, you’ve done a fuck ton for me and Johnny, and after all the shit we’ve done your clock is still ticking.” Her face twists into an angry expression and she reaches out to hold onto V’s shoulder as they walk. The touch seems to calm Rogue just a tad. She leads them downstairs, going slow for V’s sake. Shooting glances her way when she starts huffing and puffing, lungs not as strong as they once were. “This place is too shitty to lay down and die. And I find it really funny that Arasaka can’t save your ass after all the advancements they made in engram tech. So, yeah I’m gonna help. Shoulda done more, shouldn’t have just let you and Johnny go at it alone.”

The very last person she blames is Rogue, but the fixer is too damn old to care about V’s opinion on the matter. The guilt is something she’ll have to deal with on her own.

“And I’ve got lots of questions, I’ll ask you on the way.”

“On the way to where?”

Rogue shoots her a smile, eyes sparkling with delight. “You’ll see.” 

They reach the bar and Rogue leans over it, digging underneath until her fingers wrap around whatever it is she’s looking for. With a satisfied hum she holds up a set of shiny keys. “You’re driving.” She tosses it in V’s direction, a light underhand throw that should’ve been an easy enough grab. It hits V’s wrist when she lifts her hand, falling mutely to the floor.

She swallows. Looks down and stares at it. Pathetic.

Rogue quietly steps forward and picks it up, jamming it in her hands when she holds it out and V doesn’t take it, forcing her fingers to curl around the smooth metal. 

“You’re driving,” she repeats.

“No...no, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Her dropping the keys should be proof enough that she shouldn’t be anywhere on the road. Hadn’t Rogue listened to what she’d been saying? She couldn’t solve a fucking rubik's cube. She took two steps on a treadmill and face planted. This isn’t going to end well. “I don’t want to mess up whatever fancy car you’ve got.”

“It’s not my car. It’s yours, a gift.”

V’s lips part slightly, a hesitant laugh peeling out of her. She holds the keys to her chest like a treasured item. She  _ loves _ cars, that had been maybe one of the few things her and Johnny had in common at the beginning. Before their psyches began to merge.

“Rogue...I don’t know what to say.”

“‘Thank you’ would be a good place to start.” She slaps V on the back, making her rock on her heels and nearly stumble. “Now let's go check out your new ride.”


	4. Resurgance

V is speechless, staring with her brows furrowed and mouth hanging open. “Is that…?”

“Johnny’s porsche? Sure is.”

Rogue sounds proud, clearly she got the reaction she’d been hoping for. And with a huffed laugh she pushes V forward, going to slide into the passenger seat. V is slower to follow suit. She runs her hands reverently over the wheel, against the switches of the radio and the leather seats. 

Her heart aches painfully, thudding loudly in her chest as she tries to swallow and ends up coughing instead. She wishes Johnny were here to see this, he would’ve loved it.

“V? You okay?”

She nods, swiping at her eyes before any tears have the chance of dropping. She has to remind herself to breathe. “Just thinkin’, that’s all.” Her fingers go white knuckled around the wheel, feeling along its surface as she tries to focus on the road ahead of her. V clears her throat and glances at Rogue out of her periphery. “W-where d’you wanna go?”

“A ripper, if you prefer any specific one.”

Vik immediately comes to mind. She’s not even sure if he knows she’s back in town. He’s the only one she trusts though. She focuses again and frowns at Rogue’s request. “Why do we need a ripper?”

“For you.”

“Rogue--”

“Calm down, we’re not gonna mess with your head. I bet you’ve had enough of that with Arasaka.” She sighs and stretches her legs as far as she can in the confines of the car. Resting her head on a curled fist. “But even you gotta admit that you’re hardly at your best, you’re going to need all the help you can get if you plan to pull this off.”

Rogue is right. V can admit that, she’s honestly just embarrassed that the idea didn’t occur to her first.

“Yeah. I know a guy. Been seein’ him for years.”

That seems to be enough for Rogue, but V just assumes that’s because she’s one of the best fixers and she knows everyone. Who to work with and who to avoid, so when she sees where they’re headed she gives her own thin lipped smile of approval. 

V parks the car on the street corner, checking twice that it’s locked before setting off towards Viktor’s office. If the universe was actually on her side for once, Misty wouldn’t be anywhere near the premise.

They didn’t end off on good terms.

Funny, because if anything she thought Misty would’ve blamed her for Jackie’s death. She thought that would’ve broken their friendship. Apparently not, Misty wasn’t a spiteful girl, she didn’t blame V.

But siding with Arasaka. That was the death knell. And their time apart hasn’t healed that wound, she glances up when V walks in, Rogue at her heels, but her face hardens in an instant.

She huffs, going rigid behind the desk. V tries to smile but Misty angles her body away from them. The hand she was raising in a wave goes to drop back limply at her side, disheartened. Rogue grabs onto her shoulder and pushes her past her old friend, towards where Viktor’s office is located further back.

They’ve got more important stuff to deal with right now than some friendship that won’t matter in a couple days when she’s gone. Her fingers curl into fists, nails biting into her palm. She hopes they’re all sorry when she’s gone.

V grinds her teeth together, so harshly in fact, that a lightning bolt of pain races through her skull and simultaneously punches her in the gut. Her ankle twists to the side, sending her tumbling towards the ground, and just like that she’s out. The last thing she sees are the three small steps she missed and the cement floor that comes rushing forward.

*****

She hasn’t heard from V in what feels like forever. The more time that passes without a text sent between them makes it worse though, she’s afraid V will be hostile and angry. Which is only fair. Judy lost connection with a lot of people when she left Night City. V’s lack of contact hurts the most though, it leaves a noticeable hole in her heart so large that even her grandparents start to worry about her.

She packs up and leaves the next day, continuing her road trip with a heavy heart.

V doesn’t answer her following texts, a flurry of images showing off the sunset and surrounding mountains. So very different from the desert outskirts of Night City that it steals Judy’s breath away. The text doesn’t go through at all, her holo lets her know with a high pitched _ ding  _ that makes her jump. When she looks down it says her contact is no longer available.

“Fuck. No, no, no, you’re not doing this to me.”

She calls again. And again, and again. Three times turn into five then eight then ten. Judy hasn’t felt this kind of panic in a long time. Probably since Evelyn disappeared and Judy just knew, she just fucking _ knew _ , that something terrible had happened.

If V spent her last moments without one of her best friends...Judy won’t be able to recover from that. She leans back against her fresh ride, the heat from the engine warming her back. She’s itching for a smoke but she ran out of cigarettes a few miles ago.

With a frustrated sigh she shoots off another dozen or so texts before getting into her car, settling in behind the wheel but not yet pushing forward. She needs to calm her thoughts first, driving in this state will cause some sort of terrible accident. And if V is still alive after all this time then Judy can’t give up. No reason to dive into a sea of grief when there’s nothing to grieve over. Yet.

Judy blinks hard and keeps her eyes closed, angry with herself. She should’ve reached out sooner.  _ She should’ve been there. _

Her holo rings.  The sound makes her tense, lips pulling into a grimace. When she does open her eyes she makes an affronted noise. Angry and frustrated at the unknown contact that appears.

“Fucking hell.” Judy doesn’t have to answer the call, not if the person isn’t already a saved contact, but she’s a BD specialist even now. She’s not going to turn down a stray eddie. Especially if she plans on heading back to Night City.

She accepts the call, frowning when the image that pops up in her field of view is distorted. The blurry outline of a person that keeps on glitching around in sparks of blue. 

She cocks her head to the side. Curious. “Um, yes? Who’s this?”

“Can you hear me?”

“Yeah...who is this?” She repeats, fingers tapping against the exterior of the car rhythmically. 

The man on the other end makes a strangled sort of noise, somewhere stuck between a cry and yelp. 

“Thank fuck. I’ve been trying to reach  _ anyone  _ and couldn’t get through. Fuck, I can’t believe this is working.”

“Uh-huh. Right…” she swallows, waiting for him to continue. To explain, but he’s fallen quiet. “How’d you get my number?”

“V. She—“

“Is she okay?” 

Her heart leaps up to her throat, stomach doing somersaults. Tears build up behind her eyes, ready to pour down her cheeks until he speaks again. 

“Honestly? I dunno. That’s why I’m calling you.”

“She’s not answering my calls,” Judy admits, afraid that it’ll make her sound like a shitty friend. Which is pretty accurate, she feels awful for not being there. “Have you tried reaching her?”

He snorts. “Yeah. Like I said I’ve been calling lots of people and you’re the first person I got through to.”

She nods, not really sure if he can see her if his holo is as jacked up as she thinks it is. She’s trying to place him, if he’s a friend of V’s then he must’ve lived in Night City, the poor gonk grew up in that shit hole and only knows those inside the city’s parameters. 

He could be a merc that worked with V, though it seems unlikely that she wouldn’t have ever spoken about him. He’s not a fixer, Judy works closely with fixers, that’s the perk of being a BD specialist and she’s sure she’s only ever heard him in some faraway thought. 

So maybe he’s a client. That’d make more sense, but it doesn’t explain why his voice sounds familiar. 

“So are we done here? I’ve got somewhere to be.” Night City, she leaves out, to find her friend. 

The image where his face should be shakes, data and code flashing across the screen. “I need your help. You’re good with BDs.”

“Mhm.” 

“You could, in theory, import both of us into a simulation, maybe get me into a more...permanent form. Then I could help you find V.”

Judy is scowling now, and it deepens with each word that leaves his mouth. Any normal person would be confused because half of what he just said doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. 

But Judy knows better. 

“Johnny Silverhand…? Fuck, no way. I-is that really you?”

“...yeah.” He clears his throat. Voice dropping to a whisper. “And I need your help before V loses her damn mind.” 

*****

“She should be somewhere sleeping.”

“Sleeping...mhm, right, let me just lock her up to die in some mental ward.”

“Look, I’m not sure what crazy plan she roped you into, but she’s dying. She’s suffering, why aren’t you helping her let go? She’s not in her right mind, fuck, this idea may not even be hers, if you get what I’m saying.”

V groans softly, raising a hand to her temple. The skin is tender there and she already feels a bump forming. She blinks open her eyes and lets the world spin in front of her until she spots Rogue and Vik across the room.

They’d been arguing before she woke, both their faces cross with annoyance at the other.

“H-hey guys.”

Vik softens, crossing the floor until he’s helping her sit up in his ripper chair. “Scared the crap outta me, kid, I hadn’t heard from you in a while.” He squeezes her shoulder, frowning. “You know how to make an entrance, huh?”

“Scared you…’cause I fell?”

Rogue barks a laugh that lacks any mirth. She’s next to stand beside V, eyes flicking up towards the monitor that’s showing a steady tracking of her vitals. “More like passed out.”

She nods but keeps her mouth shut. She doesn’t really remember that, or the events leading up to it. Strange.

_ “But not exactly unexpected.”  _

She turns her head towards Vik, where he’s tapping away at a screen. “What’d you say?”

He glances at her, fingers going still. He shares a look with Rogue, one she can’t decipher, before muttering a soft “I didn’t say anything.” A loud pause. “Neither of us spoke.”

Her mouth opens slightly. “Oh.”

Vik sighs and turns the screen so her and Rogue can watch the numbers and stats that pop up. They don’t mean anything to her--they should, a small part of her realizes this, but she brushes the feeling away.

“See? She’s hardly fit for walking, much less fighting like she used to.” He looks down at her, expression angry in a reminiscent way. Her lips twist, deja vu hitting her hard enough to steal the air from her lungs.

A flicker of a memory surfaces, Viktor standing where he is now, a woman in the room with them watching with pity in her eyes, sitting on the steps V fell down, and--and someone else. Leaning against the wall across from her, glaring at Vik as he lays into her about not being careful, that she has two options.

_ “Tell him it’s your guardian angel.” _

V swings her legs off the chair, knowing better now not to mention the voice that sounds like it’s coming from her own head. She accepts Rogue’s hand when she offers it to help her stand. She’s unsteady on her feet, trembling slightly as she walks to where that man had been standing. Watching.

He’s not here now. But he was a friend. 

Where is he? Where’s—

“V?”

She turns around slowly, glancing between Rogue and Vik. She isn’t sure who spoke, but Rogue waves her closer and she drags her feet. Trying to forget about the weird feelings stirring low in her gut.

“You’re sure about this, right? Getting these upgrades…”

“She’s fine Viktor, she came up with all this on her own. Give the girl some credit.”

“Will you let her speak?”

V looks down at her feet, her hands. She has some chrome, her fingers are shiny with metal. Guerilla arms maybe, some sort of optical enhancement. Did they talk about her getting more?

She shrugs, scared to admit that things are starting to slip away from her.  _ Rogue doesn’t want her to change her mind.  _ Change her mind about what?

V rubs at her eyes and nods, going to sit down before anyone can ask if she’s alright.

“Okay.” Rogue pats her on the back, offering a smile, “I’ll be outside, making some calls to get things prepped for tonight.”

V nods, leans back against the chair with her hands clenched tight beside her. Vik talks her through the whole thing, chattering constantly about one thing or another. V isn’t really listening. 

She’s racking her brain until finally something clicks. Like a lock sliding into place. It makes her flinch at the sudden emptiness that consumes her soul. 

_ Johnny _ . 

How could she forget? Even for just a moment? Suddenly she wants to cry. She takes a deep breath, lungs filling with air as a reminder that she’s alive. Her hand comes up to lay over her heart. To feel the steady pounding beneath her fingertips. Her lip twitches into a small frown, anger and regret surging through her so strongly that she has to close her eyes. 

These feelings aren’t hers. 

She can’t bring herself to care that they may be  _ his.  _ In fact she likes that thought, that they’re still connected in some way. When she sees him next she’s going to let him punch her if he wants, lord knows that she wants to punish herself. She wouldn’t blame him for being angry. 

That’s if he still has the capacity to be mad. 

He could be dead. Shredded. Gone in a puff of smoke and yet still technically here in her thoughts and feelings. That’s what’ll get her through this mess, Johnny’s disregard for The Man. His attitude and charisma.

They’ll tear shit down together. That makes her smile, genuinely fucking smile, the first one since she woke up and he was gone. She feels alone with that hole in her heart, but he never left. Not really. She’s still got a piece of him inside her brain. 

Which is why it’d been so scary when she couldn’t remember a part of their time together. Even if it was so small. Not like it’ll matter, she muses, when all those memories are gone she’ll be so much like him that it’ll be like he never left. 


	5. What Are Friends For?

Judy knows every fixer in the city and she calls them one by one on the drive back. Asking for information on V, anything they can offer, no detail is too small. She has to pay a big price for what she ends up with, but it’s a lead nonetheless.

The Afterlife isn’t really her scene, she’s only been once or twice when she had to meet with a client, and she feels just as out of place as she did back then. She just needs someplace unassuming, where people won’t look for her. A private room of her own should work just fine. 

She skips the bar, figures she’ll need to keep her wits about her for what she’s doing, and instead looks for Rogue. 

The woman in question is sitting in her usual spot. A cigarette pinched between her fingers. There are heavy bags under her eyes, like she hasn’t slept in weeks. 

That scares Judy, and she has half a mind to ask her if she knows where V is. Her lips twist into a pleasant smile, waving half heartedly. She’s heard of Rogue, never worked directly with her though. Judy is good at what she does, but Rogue makes a point of working with those she knows inside and out to keep the backstabbing down to a minimum. They never got that close.

But Rogue at least hears what she has to say. From a distance of course, behind her bodyguard. 

“I’m a friend of V’s…,” she calls over the music. “I left town before her condition got real bad and, well, I haven’t heard from her in a while. Don’t suppose you know anything?”

Rogue answers fast, eyes pointed downward. “She’s not dead yet, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Oh.” A stupid amount of relief fills her. “Where is she?”

“Dunno.”

She pauses. Takes a drag then looks up, almost seeming surprised that Judy is still standing there. But she can’t just walk out, multiple people said that V was seen with Rogue, she isn’t about to argue with her though, not when V is stubborn as a mule and is likely to have moved on by now to do whatever it is she’s been doing. 

“I’ve got a way of helping her, if she’s still in trouble…”

“The kind of help that’ll save her life?”

Judy smiles, nodding. “Exactly.”

“Hm. Funny, considering that even Arasaka couldn’t figure out their own tech.” 

“Yeah, well maybe they just needed an outside perspective. Someone coming in with a clear set of eyes.”

Rogue snorts and stands up. Rubbing out the cigarette into a nearby ashtray. She wipes her palms on her pants, strutting forward until she’s standing only a foot away from Judy. 

She holds Rogue’s gaze, chin raised and jaw clenched. She’s been through too much to back down now. 

This woman won’t scare her away. 

Rogue laughs, a bright sound that draws a few eyes. It must not be something that’s heard often. “Yeah your V’s friend alright, you remind me of her.” She sighs heavily, arms crossing over her chest. “You think you can help?”

“Absolutely. I just need someplace private to work. Figured it’d be worth asking for a room.”

“Tell you what, I’ll give you two days, if you show something promising then I’ll let you stay—and I’ll pass along the word to V if there’s a chance that she doesn’t have to do something stupid.”

“Something stupid?”

Rogue hums, walking forward without looking back. Judy follows silently, nodding her approval at the room Rogue leads her to. It’s far in the back of the Afterlife, a series of winding hallways with branching doors. 

It’s a good setup for a net runner. She doesn’t deserve that title by any stretch of the imagination, but she can deal, working almost all her life with BDs has taught her a thing or two. 

The door slides shut behind Rogue, leaving Judy alone to work in peace. 

Or semi-peace. 

Her holo rings and she doesn’t hesitate this time. Knowing full well who it’s going to be. 

“Silverhand.”

“Judy, did you snag a setup?” 

“Yep.” She takes a seat in the only office chair, sliding in behind the desk to boot up the computer. “Just give me an hour or so and we’ll be ready to talk properly, just like you asked.”

She can’t see him, but she hears the soft smile in his voice. 

“Thank fuck for that. And V? Did you find her?”

Judy winces at the question. Her stomach rolling into little knots that make her feel like she’s about to throw up. 

She’d rather lie to him, his temper flared throughout the entire drive here, but she knows how unfair that’d be. V didn’t talk much about their bond, but there’s something there in Johnny’s voice when he talks about her. A note of bitterness, yes, and Judy could probably guess why that’s present if she thought long enough about it. But there’s something else. A love and tenderness that can only come from sharing a mind and body with someone else. 

“Judy?”

“Y-yeah, sorry. I asked Rogue about V, seems to me like she knows where V is, but either doesn’t trust me enough to tell me—“

“Unlikely, she gave you a room of your own—“

“—it’s probably bugged—“

“—and she’s usually a fucking bitch. She trusts you enough.” 

Judy rubs at her eyes, counting to ten before speaking again. She can’t lose her cool. Not now, this is too important. 

“Or…V told Rogue to cover her tracks and don’t tell anyone a single fucking thing if someone came around asking.” Judy starts typing away at the keyboard, bottom lip held fiercely between her teeth. “Rogue sorta insinuated that V might be doing something dangerous right about now. If I had to guess then it’s the kind of thing a dead woman would be doing.” 

Judy waits for Johnny to say something but he stays quiet. If not for the way the outline of his code still flickers up in her holo she would’ve assumed he hung up. 

“Do you think Arasaka fucked the whole thing up? That she’s still dying?”

“I don’t know. Fucking hell, just do your job before she hurts herself.”

He’s gone. Disappearing into whatever corner of cyberspace he’s shoved into. He didn’t go into detail about that, for her sake more than his, but she doesn’t mind. She’ll do her part and he’ll do his. 

They’re gonna save V, she promised Johnny that much.

*****

V is shaking with unchecked nerves, she feels like her brain is melting with each minute that ticks by. She’s safe here, at the clinic, but she doesn’t feel safe. Surrounded by Arasaka suits. 

They killed Jack. Killed Johnny. Fucked her over too, left her with this hollow feeling inside her heart without any sort of warning. 

Bastards. They only cared about getting rid of Silverhand before he convinced her to blow up Arasaka tower again.

God what had she been thinking?

She falls back on her bed, throwing an arm over her eyes with a muted groan. Though she could yell and shout if she had wanted to, these walls are soundproof. 

She combs back through her memory, temple pulsing in time with her heartbeat as she pushes herself to really  _ think _ . V recalls feeling desperate and scared, she wanted to blow her brains out, but that didn’t feel fair to Johnny. Not after all they’ve been through, they fought so hard and it’d be a waste to just throw in a towel. 

So she didn’t do that, she pushed that thought away before Johnny could grab hold of it. She told him instead that she wanted to consider Hanako’s offer—and took the blockers before he could protest. 

She needed his help dozens of times after that, but he wasn’t there. She made her choice. She rolls over on her side, eyes scrunched shut, just reaching out to find that memory hurt  _ so fucking bad.  _

Her head is pounding. And the ringing of her holo definitely doesn’t help. 

“Rogue,” she greets, head still smashed into the blankets, “are we good to go?”

“Almost. Still looking for a net runner.”

“Mhm. So what’s up?”

“A friend of yours came by, Judy.”

V groans, burying a yell into the mound of pillows. Rogue doesn’t comment on that, she’s a good friend. 

“Did you tell her where I am? Or what we’re planning?”

“Of course not. You said to trust you…” she lets out a long breath, looking away with a glint of something unrecognizable in her eyes. “I’m trying. But I’m never gonna hear the end of it if you wind up killing yourself and people know I helped.”

“You’ll handle the aftermath. You’re good like that, I’m working with a pro.”

V struggles to sit up, slouched over and bleary eyed. She casts a long look around her room, it’s stripped bare now, the hospital staff outside are getting the last of her discharge papers together, leaving her with time to think, her suitcase all packed up by her feet. 

She’s not ready per se, but it’s now or never. She can’t have long left. 

V is a glutton for punishment, she has to be, because she can’t help but ask. “Where’s Jude now?”

“She asked for a work space, gave her one of the back rooms filled with a bunch of runner gear. Apparently she’s got some idea she thinks will save you before you kick it. She didn’t go into detail about it, before you ask. Seemed something she’d rather only tell you about.”

That’s...curious. She figured all her friends had forgotten about her, tossed her away because putting up with her bullshit proved to be too much. 

“Look, V, just thought you should know, if you wanted to back out and talk to your friend. She’s giving you options.”

“No...no. There’s a good chance whatever she’s got planned won’t work at all, I’ll waste my last weeks and for what? I’m going through with this Rogue. Pick me up when you’re ready.” She hangs up before Rogue can interject. 

*****

Judy is pleasantly surprised to find out that she hasn’t lost her touch at all. Her BD headset is flickering a stream of lights that show everything’s working fine, the computer screen is scrolling through code quicker than she can read, encrypting it then downloading it onto her own personal software. A DNA stick that’s shoved into the desktop, made exactly for this kind of thing. 

It’s complicated technology, something she’s only dreamt of being able to get her hands on. It cost a fuck ton of eddies, all of which Johnny supplied. 

She was skeptical that the money was real, or even remotely safe to use, but he just chuckled. 

“I’ve got a friend here in the Net helping me out. She’s...well she’s fucking powerful. Hacked right into Arasaka and got me those funds, now I’ll flick the detes on where you can buy that chip.”

Johnny had said that his friend, (a loose term really, how can a stream of code have anyone around him at all?), had a plan of her own. That she wanted to encrypt Johnny herself. 

Whoever she is Johnny doesn’t trust her like that. He asked for Judy’s opinion and this was the best idea she had. Create a BD, place herself and Johnny inside and figure out what to do from there. He’s alive, for now, but they’re running on limited time. Arasaka will figure out he breached through Cyberspace and made contact with someone. 

It’s a dangerous game. Fucking with the largest corporation, but it’s for V, so why the hell not? 

The computer makes a soft little  _ ping,  _ signalling its completion, and she reaches out to grab onto the DNA shard. She doesn’t pull it out, afraid that all her progress will be gone, she just strokes the metal and mutters a soft prayer. 

Time to find out if she managed to break Johnny out of Cyberspace jail. 


	6. Another Step Closer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! I’ve had some personal business going on that’s kept me away from writing, but I’m back and the fic is really going to be picking up now, so hold on everyone!

Johnny’s only ever heard whispers of proxies. They were nothing more than old wives’ tales back in the 2020s, but here’s Judy now, telling him that they’re  _ real.  _ That she might be able to get her hands on one. 

A real, physical body just for him. Imagine that. 

“It doesn’t come without its risks,” she adds, picking up on excitement that he doesn’t bother to hide. “For V, I mean. Getting you a proxy shouldn’t be a problem.”

He pauses in his pacing to stare at her, and he has this horrible flash of déjà vu when he went deep into the net, running through their options without V’s knowledge. Alt had spun all sorts of beautiful tales, promises that she could save both him and V. Not like it mattered, V wouldn’t hear him out. It didn’t matter what  _ he  _ wanted to do. Which, in hindsight, is fair. It’s her body, her life, she was right to make the final call. Besides, he’s almost positive Alt hadn’t told him everything, she was a wicked piece of code that ripped him apart on behalf of Arasaka. 

He takes in a shuddering breath and nods. He understands, but they’ve got to do this. What choice do they have?

“Her body’s dying still. I’m sure of that, or else she wouldn’t be hiding, she’d be back on the streets like nothings changed. We can try and extract her psyche...it might kill her.”

He snorts. What terrible luck they have. 

“Doesn’t matter, we gotta do it.” He glances up at her, the BD shimmering when he turns his head up too fast. “Find her.” His throat constricts. “Please.”

Judy’s eyes go curiously soft. She rocks back on her heels, wringing her hands out in front of her in what must be a nervous habit. She looks like she has a thousand things to say, but they both know they don’t have time for that. 

“I’ve gotta send you back, for the time being, if Arasaka notices you’re gone and traces it back to me—“

He waves his hand to cut her short. “I get it.” Right now she’s their only chance, if Judy gets caught infiltrating corpo tech...Johnny doesn’t want to think about that. “I guess this is goodbye for now then, huh?”

She shrugs, hands on her hips. “For now. When I see you next…well, hopefully we’ll have a proxy ready for you and V. See ya, Silverhand.”

*****

Buying a proxy isn’t an issue at all. Though buying two does raise a few eyebrows, but no one asks any questions, not when she hands over a ludicrous amount of eddies. 

The proxies are blank slates. Looking nothing more than a couple of doll-like corpses hidden under medical sheets. She doesn’t bother buying a gurney, not yet, for now she parks them on a set of netrunner chairs. 

Not for the first time she considers giving someone a call. Anyone, really. Someone who knows about this kind of stuff better than her. A ripperdoc would be nice, but the money she’d have to hand over makes her head hurt. She doesn’t have anywhere close to the amount they’d ask for, not only for the procedure but also for keeping their mouth shut and any questions on lock down. 

Judy will have to do this herself. 

She keeps the DNA stick in her back pocket. Even if Johnny’s not on it anymore, it’s a nice reminder for when she’ll have to extract him again. For good this time. 

The thought makes her palms sweat. 

Johnny’s right though, she has to find V. And she knows, she just fucking  _ knows,  _ that Rogue is helping her. The way Johnny tells it, the queen of the afterlife worked so damn closely with him and V, there’s no way she’s living her life perfectly sane without having some sort of knowledge where the merc is. 

Judy’s not a netrunner, even if she knows her way around tech more so than the average person, and yet every avenue she goes down in search for V comes up classified. She’s got no doubt that’s Arasaka’s doing. Hiding her whereabouts because they fucked that poor, sweet soul over. They gave her  _ hope.  _

Now she’s paying for her. Judy can only imagine the pain she’s going through. How desperate she is right about now. 

It’s a miracle that Rogue doesn’t cover her tracks that well. 

Or, she used to, maybe, but for some reason she’s gotten clumsy. Forgetful. Judy figures that must be V’s doing. Putting stress where there once wasn’t any. In any case it leaves Judy standing outside an Arasaka mental clinic, body thrumming from raw nerves. 

She waits until her fingers go blue from the cold chill in the air, that’s when V steps out into the sunshine and Judy finally sees just how terrible she looks. Like she’s knocking on death's door, just a few days away from keeling over. She’s pale, scarily so, almost translucent in the sparse sunshine that’s coming through the clouds. And despite the cold Judy can make out the sweat that coats V’s skin, along with the chill that racks her body and makes her hands shake around the suitcase she’s struggling to carry. 

She’s glancing around with a sort of paranoia she hasn’t seen in a while, and it makes Judy all the more cautious when she approaches. 

“Hey there, V...long time no see.” She raises her hand in a wave that feels awkward. Flinching when V swivels and their gazes lock, her friend’s eyes so very cold and detached. 

Then panic. Pure, unadulterated fear in her eyes. 

“Jude…” her voice shakes, lip wobbling. 

She gives her friend another once over, aching to reach out and pull her into a hug. It’s then that she sees the outline of a gun pressed in close to her hip, hidden beneath a thin t-shirt. Not to mention the new implants Judy catches with a quick scan. 

It makes her stomach roll. “V, what’re you doing?”

A peak of her old personality comes through then, a scowl ruining her features as she rolls her eyes. She tries to brush past Judy, hoping for a hasty exit just as a cab pulls up—Delamain, because discretion is key—but she nearly falls. Only stopped by Judy’s hands holding her up. 

She murmurs a soft “easy” that goes unnoticed. 

V brushes her away. “I’m finishing what I started.”

Judy swallows. Cuts right to the chase, it’s gotta be now or never. “For Johnny?”

Then...something awfully strange happens as her friend hobbles past and loads her suitcase in the trunk. Struggling all the while. At first she’s quiet, and Judy assumes she’s ignoring the question outright. Done with this interrogation that’ll soon turn into something more, with Judy trying to convince her to do anything else then what she’s about to. 

But instead V’s lips twist, eyes clouding over as she stares at Judy. She looks... _ confused?  _

“Who?” She croaks out, sounding so very scared and small.

“V—“

“I gotta go. I needta meet with...with, uh, Rogue.” She clears her throat, head ducked low. Unwilling to meet Judy’s eyes. 

“Why?” Judy presses. Rushing forward to stop V from getting into the cab and charging into the lion's maw. She’s heading for her death and Judy fears she isn’t lucid enough to realize it. “What are you and Rogue doing?”

A flash of anger crosses over V’s face, and for a moment Judy thinks she’s going to hit her. 

“Why does it matter? It doesn’t concern you.”

“V, do you even remember what you’re planning?”

Her lip curls. “Fuck off.” She steps around Judy, yanking the door open a tad too roughly. There’s the chiming, signature jingle Delamain greets her with before she slams the door shut just as loudly. “I’m not losing my mind.” She says past the glass. Even if Judy doesn’t believe her at all, she’s not acting herself at all. “I’m  _ fine.  _ In fact, I’ve never felt better.”

“You miss him.” Judy touches the window, laying her palm flat across it. “I can see it, V. But whatever you’re about to do isn’t gonna bring him back.” The cab roars to life and Judy grinds her teeth together. “But I can! I can even let you speak to him, huh, how about it? We can go to the Afterlife right now, you can see him again, V, just let me try.”

She’s coming dangerously close to pleading, to throwing herself in front of the cab to stop it before it starts moving. V shocks her once more though, and that stops her train of thought completely. 

“You wanna know the truth, Jude? I’m scared. I’m forgetting things every day, I  _ know _ that, I’m aware that I’m losing track of time. T-that things are starting to blur and fade and...and...I’m tired of fighting. I thought all my problems would be fixed with the chip gone—“

“And you know who was on the chip, right?”

“...You said Johnny.”

“Right…and you remember him? All your time together?”

V shrugs, forehead thumping dully against the window. “Sort of. I mean, not all of it, but I get the gist of who he was. Who  _ we _ were.” She focuses on Judy with slightly wet eyes. “I want to make them pay for what they’ve done. They killed him. Killing me too. Let me do this, Judy, before I completely lose my mind.”

The car’s engine revs, and even past Judy’s yelling and furious kicking of the metal exterior it still roars to life and drives away. Spitting up dust as it goes. 

She curses, fists pounding into her thighs out of sheer frustration. 

*****

“You know what I’d do.”

Judy groans, slumped over on the fake floor the BD created. It’s dangerous stealing Johnny away so soon, but she doesn’t know what to do. This might be the end of the line for him and V, he should know that. 

“I’m starting to see why V lost her mind. You never shut up, do you?”

He sits down beside her, metal fingers clamping down on her shoulder to draw her attention. 

“Surely you’ve got contacts. Money.” He pauses, maybe waiting for confirmation, she just grunts. “Kidnap her. Or, hire someone to. She’ll hate you for a bit, sure, but that’s just V, she’ll get over it.” He continues on, staring at her so intensely that she almost immediately has to look away. 

“Fucking hell, Johnny, I dunno.”

“Well I do! Fuck!” He glitches away, standing up and pacing. It’s a habit of his, she notes, never really being able to sit still. “She’s forgetting me!”

“Maybe it’s for the best,” Judy suggests weakly, “she felt so guilty when you were gone. Ignorance is bliss, right?”

He breathes out heavily through his nose, fingers clenching into fists by his side.

“If you aren’t gonna do something I will.”

She snorts.

“I’m serious. I will. All you gotta do is hook me up to that proxy, you can keep your hands clean.”

“Right. Besides the whole ‘stealing from Arasaka part.’”

He huffs. Stalking forward once more and crouching down in front of her. He fixes her with a look she’s never seen before. So commanding and desperate that it steals her breath away. 

“You don’t know much about me, but I don’t beg often.  _ Please,  _ let me save her. It’s the least I can do—I promised her I would. My life for hers, that’s how it was supposed to go.”

Judy opens her mouth once. Twice. Closing it each time when the right words won’t come out. She lets out a frustrated growl, tearing a hand through her hair. All the while Johnny is patiently waiting, though she sees how tense he is. How nervous. 

It’s for V, she has to remind her. Her closest friend who was there for her when she had no one else. They’ve been through a lot together, maybe not as much as Johnny and her, but enough. She loves that idiotic merc. 

“Okay...fine, we’ll do it now. This might not work, I’ve never done it before, much less with a construct—“

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I don’t need the fucking terms and conditions.” He stands up and pulls her with him, excitement gleaming in his eyes. “Let’s do this.”


	7. Back Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, I feel like I've been gone forever now as far as this story is concerned! I'm sorry I disappeared for a bit there, here's a short little chapter just to get back into the swing of things. Enjoy!

V doesn’t have many nervous habits, though there was a time where she’d chew her lips raw. Picking at the soft skin until it bled. And now, it would seem, she picked up another. She can’t sit still. She’s pacing back and forth, scratching at her arms and the nape of her neck like that’ll actually alleviate the anxiety curling in her stomach.

She doesn’t recognize the street corner she’s standing on, or the flickering ads on the telescreens way up above her head. None of it is remotely familiar, even though it very well should be. The names and faces, celebrities and corpos which must reign over Night City. People she should give them a mere glance and  _ know. _

If she’s being totally honest, she can’t quite remember her own fucking plan. She’s meeting with Rogue, busting into Arasaka tower for...for...some reason. Though how she’ll go about that she isn’t sure. She mindlessly scrolls through her phone, listening to old voicemails and reading text messages that go back for months. Trying to piece things together.

It’s like looking into another person’s life from the outside. There are so many holes and guessing won’t do her any good.

V should tell someone how bad off she is, she really should, and she feels this awful inkling of guilt when Rogue comes to pick her up. Driving around the block twice over, to make sure they aren’t being followed, before they pull up to the Afterlife.

Rogue leaves V to wait at the bar as she gathers some supplies from the back, and V just paces. Moving back and forth, dragging her fingers along the wooden countertop. Eyes flicking around to the different bottles stacked up along the back.

She’s been here before, though how often she can’t say. She slides onto one of the barstools, bouncing slightly on the metal chair. Doing a little spin that actually makes her smile. It doesn’t draw any implicit memories out like she’d been hoping. Disappointed, she gets up, hands shoved in her pockets until Rogue comes back. She looks older, V realizes,  _ tired,  _ more accurately. And it makes V feel awful. It’s her fault, even if she can’t remember what she got Rogue looped into.

The older woman chances a smile, trying for normalcy despite the situation being anything but. “Wanna have a shot ‘fore we go?”

V shrugs as Rogue goes behind the bar, already lining glasses up. “Sure. Why not?”

She grabs a bottle from the back shelf, it looks important, and V struggles to read the label on the bottle before she pours it and slides one her way. V barely catches it, the cybernetics in her hands not complying quickly like they should. They whir and grind together, opening just in time to wrap around the cool glass.

Rogue raises her drink, waits patiently until V stops her hand from trembling and can raise her own. 

“To Johnny,” Rogue murmurs, watching V’s face carefully.

She blinks. Lip quivering as she combs back through her memory. Judy had mentioned someone named Johnny, and back then she felt herself grasping at thin air. Trying to make something appear that refused to. 

V comes up empty. No face appears, no voice that might’ve belonged to someone named ‘Johnny,’ no past time spent together.

They’re going to break into Arasaka for this man and she can’t remember a damn thing about him. He must mean something to her. He must be important enough for her to risk her life for him, for Rogue to do the same. Rogue isn’t wearing a ring and neither is V, but she finds it hard to believe that a friend is worth that much. Then again, she can’t remember most of her friends nowadays.

V clears her throat and offers up a shaky smile. “To Johnny,” she echos weakly.

It burns going down and she barely holds back a cough. Rogue laughs, already moving to hand over the gear they’re going to need. It takes longer than it should for V to strap into the extra ballistic vests and cyber shoes that Rogue provided, she’s trembling so bad that she nearly falls over. 

But she gets it on her own, which brings just a little bit of comfort.

“I gotta make a phone call, V, wait here for a sec.”

V hums and nods. Moving to sit again before she actually does fall. It’s like that, her fingers tapping away idly on her phone’s screen, that she’s startled by a voice speaking her name. Saying it so breathlessly with a hint of reverence that at first she thinks it’s in her head. But then the floorboards creak and she glances over her shoulder, frowning when a dagger of pain races through her skull. That’s starting to happen more often now. It won’t be much longer before she can’t hide it.

“Hey,” the stranger says, smiling at her like they’re old chooms. Any easy sort of grin that makes his whole face light up.

She doesn’t recognize him in the slightest. But her gaze shifts over his shoulder and she spots Judy, and it’s with a little bit of relief that she recalls her at least.

V winces, shoulders crawling up in embarrassment from their last conversation. She should apologize, but the words get stuck in her throat. Rogue never mentioned there’d be a chance Judy could be here, that the woman had a spare set of keys and was allowed when no one else was. Or maybe she did. Things are all messed up right now.

“Hey...Jude.” V looks at the stranger and gives a polite nod. Smiling the best she can to hide her fear. Afraid that her cracks are becoming increasingly difficult to hide. She should remember this man, she knows that by the way his face falls.

He crosses his arms over his chest, rocking back on his heels and sucking on his teeth. He looks over at Judy, his next question directed at her friend. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s sick, Johnny, I told you. She’s...she’s dying still.”

This...Johnny, mutters “fucking Arasaka,” with such venom that it actually makes her flinch. He looks over at her and visibly softens, moving to step forward. Closing the distance and getting so near that he could reach out and touch her if he wanted to.

And it does look like he wants to, but he stops himself short.

“After all we’ve fuckin’ been through...you don’t remember any of it?” Finally he does reach out, his metal hand holding tight to her shoulder. She eyes it wearily, such a new and expensive piece of tech that he must be someone rich and important. “We’re going to fix this, V, I promised I would save you.” He sucks in a shaky breath, looking down and making his hair fall in his eyes. “I meant that.”

V stays quiet. What is there to say? This man, Johnny, is only in her memory as a name being passed around for the past couple of hours. Days? She isn’t sure anymore. She was willing to go on a suicide mission for him, but he’s right here. A whine pulls it’s way up out of her throat, god she’s so confused.

Johnny pulls her in for a hug. Yanking her off the barstool and into his arms. It hurts, but she doesn’t say anything, just slowly wraps her arms around him. Nuzzling into his neck because she can tell that he needs this more than she does. And he hugs her tighter in response, so tight that it feels like he’s about to snap her ribs. He doesn’t let go, just holds her like they haven’t seen each other in years.

For the first time since she got down off that space station she starts to fear death. Whatever she had here in Night City must have meant a lot to the old V. How could she have been so ready to lay down and die when she’s got so much to lose?


End file.
